Fred Proclaims The Box in The Closet is The Best Place to “Chill”

VIENNA, VA: Fred Purrs proclaimed yesterday that the box in the closet was the best place in the house to sit and just “chill.”

Fred stated that “I feel like I’m sitting in Captain Kirk’s chair when I’m in this box. I’m totally in command—plus with the door open I get a full view of the birds in the tree outside the window.”

Fred is currently on the lookout for the best place for napping in the house. “I have it narrowed down to the clean laundry pile, the unmade bed, or the pile of sweaters” said Fred.
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Dancing Show Contestant Has a Fit of "Jazz Hands"

BURBANK, CA: The popular ABC show “Dancing with the Stars” took an ugly turn last week when one of the contestants (Bill Bonkers) got drunk on foreign beer and pushed the other dancers off the floor to show his “jazz hands” dance. Mr. Bonkers was promptly booted from the show for failing to abide by the contest rules.

Mr. Bonkers later regretted his impulsive actions when interviewed on the studio lot. “I should have never drank that whole can of beer. The can was bigger than me for Christ’s sake.”

Mr. Bonkers is said to have been looking into a 12 step program to help with his issues.
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Harry Potter Nerds Line Up for Movie Premiere

SILVER SPRING, MD: Nerds are already lining up for the latest installment of the the highly successful Harry Potter movie series. The new movie "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" premieres this Friday, but cats have started lining up as early as Wednesday for the movie.

Many cats on the line are dressed up as their favorite character. The local school bully known only as Butch commented on the cats on line and said "I'm going to kick all their asses in school on Monday...you can count on that!"

The movie is expected to gross over 50 million this weekend alone in ticket sales. Although, the merchandising sales from all the nerds is expected to be much higher.

Alexander Kibbles who was one of the cats in line stated "This looks like the most exciting Harry Potter yet! I can hardly stop from peeing myself. Good thing I brought my litter box here on line." Look for our review of the movie in next week's issue.
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Cats Control Humans

WASHINGTON, DC: There isn't anything new to report here that hasn't been known for centuries. Cats control humans. It has been true ever since the Egyptians began to worship us. The silly humans are just figuring it out now. You can get the full story here.

Dirty Litter Box on the Prowl

WASHINGTON, DC: Cat rap -- or “Crap” as it’s known on the streets has been growing in popularity among US teens. Cat rapper Dirty Litter Box, also known by his initials DLB has been the most popular by far with his racy lyrics and top 40 hits “Go lick yourself” and “Gettn’ down wit da pussy.”

In a recent interview, DLB stated that “It’s about time a stank ass puss like me shook up the industry. I’m keepin’ it real like a heart attack…you feelin’ me?”

“These suburban house cats are lookin’ fo what they ain’t getin’ from their parents…and I’m here kickin’ it hardcore to give ‘em what they need” DLB added.

DLB’s latest album titled “Let’s Sniff Asses” is sure to bring additional controversy to the crapper.
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Tiger Steals the Show in "The Hangover"

What do tigers dream of when they take a little tiger snooze
Do they dream of mauling zebras, or Halle Barry in her Catwoman suit
Don't you worry your pretty stripe-ed head we're gunna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed
And then we're gunna find our best friend Doug and then we're gunna give him a best friend hug
Doug, Doug, Oh Doug, Doug, Dougie, Doug, Doug
But if you've been murdered by crystal meth tweakers
Well then we're shit out of luck

Local Band Hits the Big Time

ARLINGTON, VA: The local rock band Faster Pussycat as they are collectively known just signed with Fur Ball Records for a 4 record deal. The band’s 3 members are Sid Kitty heading up lead vocals and guitar, Little Flea on bass and Ring Worms on drums.

However, just as the trio was poised to break into the big time, band tensions threatened to tear them apart. In a recent VH1 special “Behind the Meowsic” the band members reveal how Sid Kitty’s catnip addiction nearly cost him his life one night on the road.

Little Flea’s ego was also out of control as he attempted several times to take over the band and kick Sid Kitty out. Little Flea had 2 solo albums during the hiatus that never found an audience. Meanwhile Ring Worms was on his own downward spiral as he lost all his money at craps and turned to the inside of a milk bottle to drown his troubles.

The band was able to pull themselves back from the brink of disaster with the help of band producer Dave Calico. “I just got all the band members out to my recording studio out here in the Arizona desert to get away from all the negative influences. After a month of licking their wounds from the road they were ready to start recording again” noted Calico.

“Now we’re back on top of laundry pile so to speak thanks to Dave and the rest of the band” said Sid Kitty. Look for the release of Faster Pussycat’s new album next month titled “Reigning Cats and Dogs”.
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FSU Fraternity Brother Nabbed With 3 Pounds of Catnip

TALLAHASSEE, FL: Florida State University, Kappa Alpha Tau (KAT) fraternity brother Cliff Skitch, or “Skitchey” as he’s known around campus was arrested for possession of 3 pounds of catnip. Campus police working ‘jointly’ with state police captured Skitchey during an undercover police drug buy.

“The suspect’s backpack was bulging with the 3 pounds of catnip when we observed him entering the student union” noted state police officer John McGuiness. “A bunch of cats were following him everywhere. He was obviously under the influence of the drug and we had to let him sleep it off after we brought him back to the station and paw-printed him.”

State police acting simultaneously as the Skitchey arrest raided the KAT fraternity house and made several more drug-related arrests. Police lined up the fraternity brothers to determine who was under the influence or not.

One of the fraternity brothers not arrested in the raid identified himself only as “Turtle” and commented on the arrests “Dude, this is totally un-cool! Skitchey was just going to pick up a pizza for us man. Me, Skitchey, and Zeek were just sitting around totally jonesing for some munchies. Skitchey was the only dude who sac-ed up for a food run. Dude deserves a Fu&$*&g medal!”

Turtle added that “This is totally bumming me out. We were supposed to have a mixer with the Pie Epsilon Tau (PET) chicks tonight and everyone knows those chicks are totally easy once they get a little loose (in a lower tone) if ya know what I mean. One dude said he heard those chicks were in heat.”

Skitchey and several other KAT fraternity brothers have all posted bail and are scheduled for trial at the end of the month.
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Meow Qaeda Flea Bomb Plot Foiled

Meowslim terrorist Ali Oompapa Meowmeow was taken into police custody today under suspicion of planning to flea bomb his master’s apartment. Meowmeow is also considered to be the leader of a sleeper cell, or in this case a cat napper cell.

Another cat nap cell member Aaahck… Aaahck was also arrested in the raid (it wasn’t clear at the time of publishing this article if “Aaahck… Aaahck” was indeed his name, or if the suspect was merely suffering from hairballs).

It has been reported that Ali Oompapa Meowmeow’s master’s apartment had been infested with fleas for sometime and was ripe for a flea bombing. Both suspects have been deported to Guantanamo Bay (Gitmo) for questioning and presumed water torture.
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Shut Up Bitch And Let Me Sleep

Local woman harasses sleeping cat for her amusement. "I can't wait for that bitch to leave for work every morning" replied Sam the cat. "I am lying there trying to sleep and every morning without fail that bitch starts F-ing with me for no reason but to post the video on YouTube. How many times do I need to tell her to leave me the F alone?"

Sam is looking into alternate living arrangements.
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Sweet Toothed Kitty

Local cat is scolded by his dentist and told to stop eating sweets or face losing teeth to cavities.

'I Got Full' After Eating A Half Pound Burrito

FAIRFAX, VA: Sylvester Davis reported that he felt ‘full’ after eating a half pound burrito from Taco Bell.

“I never seem to get full when I eat, but that half pound of beans, rice, cheese, onions and peppers did me in. I think I’m going to take a cat nap here on the couch now.”

Sylvester’s wife however was not as happy with the whole ‘burrito’ eating. “I’m not looking forward to the ‘burrito’ he’s going to leave in the litter box. He’s going to clean that out himself.”
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Cats Caught Talking

Tama The $10M Super Station Master

WAKIAMA, JAPAN: Click on the title to link to a video of Tama The $10M Super Station Master. As usual, cats lead the way to prosperity.
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Cats Do The Darnedest Things

The montage video below is comprised of various candid shots of cats doing the darnedest things.

Cruel and Unusual Punishment

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA: Undercover reporters at the U.S. military base in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba have leaked a video of "cruel and unusual punishment" being used on inmates at the facility. Apparently interrogators have been using lasers to disorientate inmates and trick them into revealing information on terrorist plots. Click the video below to see the leaked video.

Ninja Cat Moves But Can't Be Seen

Princess Chunk - The 44 Pound Cat

VOORHEES, NJ: Princess Chunk as she's known tipped the scales at 44 pounds. "I think I need to go on a diet before they wind up having to cut me out of my house" Princess stated.

"I just see that bowl of Friskies and I can't stop until it's done" she added.

Princess will opt for a traditional low calorie, low carb diet with plenty of water and exercise. Princess has not ruled out gastric bypass surgery if she doesn't get the results she wants from the traditional diet.
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Celebrity Rapper Checks Into Rehab

Cat rapper and superstar Dirty Litter Box, or DLB as he is more commonly known checked himself into rehab this weekend after several of his close friends and family staged an intervention. “He finally realized all the pain he’s caused all of us through his addictions to catnip, powdered milk and prescription painkillers.” said his close friend Hobbes.

“DLB was spinning out of control with his all night benders sniffing lines of powdered milk off of strippers’ asses and then indulging in catnip with his druggie friends.”

DLB checked himself into the Betty Ford clinic to address his issues. All his friends are wishing him well on his recovery.
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Feline-alities

The ASPCA has come up with 9 different personality types for cats. There is the Private Investigator, The Secret Admirer, The Love Bug, The Executive, The Sidekick, The Personal Assistant, The MVP, The Party Animal, and The Leader of the Band. Find out which personality type you are by reading the full article listed below.
Read the full article here

Owner Reports Printer Problems: Documents Are Ripped And Pages Smeared

CHEVY CHASE, MD: Computer owners Dianne and Jeff Printsky reported that their ink jet printer suddenly, and without warning started spitting out documents that were torn to shreds and with ink smeared across all the pages.

"I have no idea what could be happening" noted Jeff Printsky. "We just had the printer serviced last week and they said everything was fine. Now whenever I go to print something I have to go down to Kinkos."

The Printsky's have hired a compter technologist as well as a private investigator to look into the situation.
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Mail Order Brides Come 2 To A Box

CHANTILLY, VA: Eugene Shedder was surprised Tuesday when the mail order bride he ordered from Siam (China) came with 2 brides instead of 1. He wasn’t sure if he should be angry that his order got screwed up, or happy now that he finally has a shot at that 3-way he’s always dreamed about.

“It must be the population explosion going on over there in China that they’re boxin’ up chics 2 at a time. Better get ‘em while there hot and before they start chargin’ for the extra one” noted Shedder.

“I feel like the cat that ate the canary” Shedder mused. “We’re gunna have ourselves a little party with the 5 ounces of catnip I just bought. We’ll see where things go from there, but I'm counting on things gettin' frisky.”
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Marvin Under False Impression The Toupee is ‘Workin’

COLUMBIA, MD: Marvin Licksalot surprised his coworkers Monday with his new toupee. One coworker who wished not to be identified stated that “He had been bald the entire time I’ve known him and then he just walks in on Monday with that squirrel on his head pretending nothing was different.”

“It was disturbing” noted business partner Felix Cuddle. “I’ve known Marvin since law school and once he lost his hair I just figured he accepted it like the rest of us. Then, out of the blue he comes in with that ‘hairclub for cats’ bush on his head and he tries to go over a case with me, but all I can do is stare at his head.”

Marvin’s wife of 10 years commented that “I love him with or without the hair. I was shocked however when I saw that the color didn’t match though. After all, a wife always knows if the curtain matches the carpet or not.”
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French Ambassador Unimpressed With America

WASHINGTON, DC: French ambassador to the United States Jean-David Levitte looked unimpressed with the White House reception he received when meeting with President Bush.

“Pshaw…it was a ca’-ta-stro-phe if you ask me” said Levitte. “No a-French wine, no scan-ti-ly clad mod’els and no gourmet food. And what is dis bar-be-que da man with the belt buckle the size of the Eiffel Tower serves me?”

“I am missing the certain jenasaqua of when your president Clin’toon was around. He was a man de French could understand with his many mistresses” Levitte added.

“I am however looking for’weird to meeting daughters of the Bush man. I have heard they are up to our French whore stan’dards.”
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Max Thinks Friend Is Too Ugly To Be Happy

LAUREL, MD: Maximilian Von Fluffington, “Max” as his friends call him was shocked and perplexed at his friend Jacob’s general outlook on life.

“That rube’s always got a dumb-ass smile on his face like he just ate the canary.” said Max. “Doesn’t he know that he’s uglier than Courtney Love on the smack and without makeup? I don’t know how much longer I can put up with it. I know ignorance is bliss but he’s fugly!”

"I’m just playin’ the cards I was dealt.” noted Jacob. “Chics dig a dude who’s confident even if I ain’t so good lookin’. I heard that Ben Franklin guy used to get a lot of tail...and did you ever take a look at that dude?”

“How can you be that happy when you look that ugly?” Max asked rhetorically. “I mean really.”

Max continues to work out his issues with his friend, but no word if he has figured out Jacob’s secret to happiness yet.
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Nora the Cat Piano Prodigy

This video speaks for itself. Nora the cat shows off her talent tickling the ivories. This video has already had over 2.5 Million hits on YouTube. Her favorite composer is Johann Sebastian Bach as she tends to enjoy playing along in a duet.
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The 10 Most Powerful Cats In Hollywood

Welcome to our first annual list of the 10 most power cats in Hollywood. I, your humble reporter have scoured the Hollywood scene to bring you only the top 10 most powerful cats.

#10 - Big pussy - Big Pussy may be dead, but with the final season of the Sopranos now showing, his popularity has shown a big resurgence. He still remains the biggest pussy in our list .

#9 - Socks the First Cat - Even though he is retired from the oval office, Socks still remains the most politically connected cat and the highest ranked in the free world.

#8 - Puss'N'Boots - One of the best new comers in our top 10 without a doubt would have to be Puss N Boots. With his small role in Shrek II, he stole the show. Keep an eye on this new animated actor and look for big things from him in Shrek III.

#7 - Hello Kitty - Hello Kitty still rules the marketplace with an iron paw. She remains one of the most recognizable felines in retail and young women can't seem to get enough of her latest designs. Look out Martha Stewart...here comes Hello Kitty.

#6 - The Pink Panther - Steve Martin's recent version of the live action Pink Panther helped keep this old cat in the spotlight. His endorsement deal with Corning insulation also keeps the money rolling in.

#5 - Mr. Bigglesworth - This hairless power cat shares his Hollywood throne with Dr. Evil. He enjoys an almost cult-like following among his many fans. He remains one of the most loved characters in the Austin Powers series.

#4 - Garfield - Garfield's career seems to be on the upswing after his second movie release. He remains popular with the kids with his dry wit even though his mouth never moves when he talks.

#3 - TomKat – Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes - These two united as one have taken a nose dive recently due to both of their bizarre behaviors. Don't look for these two on next year's list if events continue the way they have for them.

#2 - The Pussycat Dolls - These new hot singers have taken the pop dance charts by storm. I'd like to sniff their posteriors if you know what I mean. Now that's some hot pussy!

#1 - MGM Cat - The reigning king Hollywood still remains the MGM Lion. In a show of pure ego, the MGM cat growls before each of his motion picture studio's films. Congrats on being the top cat this year.

Females Complain About Couch Potato Spouses

DUNDALK, MD: The Dundalk Female Feline Group (DFFG) states that the number one complaint of all the female members is that their spouses have turned into couch potatoes.

One member who wished not to be identified stated that “All that fat cat does is sit around all day, drink beer and watch Animal Planet on TV. It’s sickening.”

In a recent Johns Hopkins study, doctors found that feline male spouses pack on 3 to 5 pounds after just 2 years of marriage and show less interest in their wives and a consuming interest in TV.

Another DFFG member, Carol Kitty stated that “Not only does my husband never leave the couch; he’s become surly and apathetic. I swear he’d be perfectly content to never leave the couch and marry the TV. I’m ready to leave his lazy ass!”

Dr. Meowington who helped author the Johns Hopkins study stated that “There are ways to help get your husband off the couch. Try placing a trail of Frisky treats from the couch to outside the front door. Once you have him locked outside, remove the couch and any other fluffy areas to lie down on from the house. Admittedly these are strong actions, but they just may help save a marriage."

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Boogy Fever Strikes In Maryland

ANNAPOLIS, MD: A large outbreak of boogy fever has been spotted throughout Maryland, with the bulk of the population in the Annapolis metro area. Cats have been seen spontaneously “boogying down” upon listening to just a small sample of disco music.

Dr. Julie Gerberding, Director of the Centers for Disease Control stated that “We thought we had the dreaded boogy fever (a.k.a. gettus downis wita funk) eradicated in the early 80’s with the ‘disco is dead’ slogan. It has apparently reared its ugly head again with high risk populations located mostly around retro dance clubs that play 70’s music.”

There has also been a separate sub strain of the boogy fever known as Cat Scratch Fever or spinnis maximus. Symptoms for spinnis maximus that have been seen are cats playing 70’s dance albums and performing DJ mixing and cat scratching.

The CDC has already dispatched a special pathology team to the area protecting them with earplugs and headsets playing continuous light rock music. Dr. John Nofun, On Scene Investigative Leader stated that “We believe our team is significantly protected against the boogy fever with these precautions. We have also taken further precautions by making sure the pathology team is comprised solely of white men with no rhythm.”

The investigative team is due to report back their findings by tomorrow.

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Vigilante Rampage at Local Pet Smart

BETHESDA, MD: The Bethesda Pet Smart was riddled with bullets yesterday around 4:00 PM when Mr. Socks came back to extol retribution for items he was not allowed to return. No one was reported to be injured by the blasts from his AK-47.

Mr. Socks who was allowed to make a public statement after his arrest stated “All I wanted to do was take back a stupid lint brush, but that little bitch behind the counter said I needed a receipt. When I told her I didn’t have a receipt she said ‘too bad’ and then put up a sign that she was on break--that made me go ballistic. I came back with a gun just to show that (expletive deleted) that she couldn’t push me around. I just wanted to put a scare in them, so I made sure no one got shot.”

Mr. Socks remains in Montgomery County jail until his hearing this week.
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Kitty Porn Website Shutdown

WASHINGTON, DC: District police officers raided the home of Harry Flint yesterday in order to shutdown his kitty porn website. “It was disgusting” noted officer O’Malley. “We found young kitten pictures with no clothing all over the house with the bulk of the digital pictures still on his computer server.”

Police Sergeant Whiskers in a press conference noted that “We had searched all over the house to find Mr. Flint, but we eventually found him hiding inside the computer itself. He was arrested on charges of kitten pornography--also known as kitty porn.”

Sergeant Whiskers went on to say that “I’m proud that our police force was able to shutdown this kitty porn website. However, every time we shut one site down 4 more pop up. The demand for these disgusting sites is at an all-time high and we need to address that first.”

Harry Flint is being held in police custody without bond until his arraignment this Tuesday.
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Best Friend Pushed From Window in Jealous Rage

WASHINGTON, DC: Jacob McWiskers of the Adams Morgan neighborhood of Washington, DC was arraigned in district court today for attempted murder of his best friend Fluffy Kitty. An alleged argument about a feline of mutual interest was said to precede the incident.

Defense attorney for Mr. McWiskers stated that “What appears on video is taken out of context. My client was merely trying to save Mr. Kitty as he was precariously close to the edge of the window sill.”

Mr. Kitty remains in stable condition at Georgetown University Hospital suffering from 2 bruised paws and is expected to make a full recovery.

Eyewitnesses on the street below stated that “It was amazing that after falling 2 stories he landed on his feet.”

McWiskers is being held without bail for a court hearing this week.
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Litter Box Turns Into Quick Sand

BOWIE, MD: Young Douglas fell victim to the latest problem with fine-grained kitty litter. When going to take his morning constitutional, he was engulfed by the normally benign kitty litter beneath his paws as it suddenly turned into quick sand.

“I thought I was done for” said young Douglas. “One minute you’re doin’ a little poopy and the next minute you’re swimming in kitty litter trying to stay alive.”

Young Douglas’ product liability attorney added that “This is an outrage! The makers of Little Shitty Kitty Litter will be receiving subpoenas today concerning this. No cat should ever have to fear using the litter box. We are also considering a class action suit to prevent another tragedy like this.”
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Supercat Gives Cousin Flying ‘Lesson’

RESTON, VA: Clark Cat was in his kitchen with his cousin Marty when the topic of cat flight came up. It was then that Clark piped up and pronounced that he was in fact Supercat in disguise. Marty was having none of Clark’s hair-brained claims of supercat prowess and demanded proof of his flight skills. Clark said to Marty “The usual bet?” Marty concurred.

Clark without missing a beat leapt forward into the air with paws stretched forward shouting “See! This is how you fly bitch! You believe me now?”

Marty, flabbergasted at what he just witnessed hung his head. Marty now knew that he had to pay up on the longstanding bet they kept between each other. It was then that Marty asked “Okay, okay…so you can fly. But, do I have to?”

Clark retorted right back “Yep!”

Marty then did what he swore he would never do. He climbed into the toilet and waited for Clark to take his picture.

After paying back his bet Clark stated “It was a humiliating lesson, but I swear I’m getting’ that pussy back.”
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Auto Mechanic Saved By Super Cat

Takoma Park, MD: An auto mechanic working at the Old Town Auto Service Center in Takoma Park, MD was saved by a cat with seemingly super cat strength when the car lift failed.
“I thought I was a goner when the car that was on the lift started to come down on me. Thank God that cat was there to save the day” auto mechanic Roberto Gonzales stated.

Mr. Boots the cat stated that “I just happened to be at the right place at the right time. I don’t know where I got the strength to lift the car…I just did it.”

Takoma Park Mayor Kathryn H. Porter in an informal ceremony deemed June 14, 2006 “Mr. Boots the Cat Day” and gave him the keys to the city.
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Chicatski Steals the Show

WASHINGTON, DC: The great Romanian pianist Romanoff Chicatski preformed several concertos before heads of state at a rare Kennedy Center appearance Saturday night. His demure stature did not affect his delightful performance as he tickled the ivories.

“Sometimes I feel myself roaming from one end of the piano to the other looking for that proverbial bowl of milk” Chicatski noted.

Romanoff Chicatski will be appearing in 2 more performances this week at the Kennedy Center before traveling onto Prague for his final tour performance.
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Muggers Holdup Cat at Gunpoint

LANHAM, MD: Seymour the cat was held up at gunpoint yesterday while making a withdrawal from an ATM machine.

“First he pulled a gun on me, and then he took a picture of the holdup for some reason. I acted instinctively and hissed at him. He must have gotten scared by my ferocity, because he ran off dropping his camera” Seymour stated.

Police are on the lookout for a white male, purported to be “real big, but a real puss.”

If you have any information regarding the perpetrator, please contact your local police authority.
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Cat Outwitted By Lowly Finch

In an embarrassing scene caught on camera by our on-the-scene photographer, a cat reportedly got outwitted by a common finch.

The cat in the cage who wished not to be identified stated that “I had the feathery bastard cornered in the cage, but he was able to fly out when I went to claw him. Now he’s chirping outside like he’s some kind of genius. So help me God when I get out I’m going to tear him a new one.”

“This is truly a disgraceful situation that reflects badly on all cats” said President Kweisi Meowfe of the National Association for the Advancement of Cats over People (NAACP). “There’s already chirping coming over the wires that birds now think they can outsmart cats” Meowfe added.
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Cat Flips Off Owner

Charlie the cat reportedly flipped off his owner when he overheard his owner whispering to his girlfriend about getting his cat neutered. Charlie let his feelings be known about the topic when his owner passed by.

“You’re always the last to know about these things” claimed Charlie. “Where the (expletive deleted) does he get off chopping off my fur sac!” he added. “I wonder how he would like it if I attacked his manhood while he was sleeping.”

“If that bastard goes through with it you can bet your furry ass these claws will be digging into that new leather couch he just bought.”

Charlie’s owner could not be reached for comment, but he is said to be rethinking the neutering option.
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Cat Attacks President

WASHINGTON, DC: Cat protestors organized a “meow in” about the high prices of milk. The protestors meowed at the back door of the White House yesterday until a kitchen worker mistakenly let a stray cat in. “I thought it was the President’s cat - Boots” claimed the unidentified kitchen worker.

The cat quickly roamed the White House halls peeing in every corner and then attacked the President ironically in the yellow room. The new White House Press Secretary Tony Snow stated that “The situation is under control. The cat has been thrown back outside and the President is being treated for minor scratches on the back of the neck.”

Tony Snow refused to answer unsubstantiated allegations that the White House staff was laughing when the cat attacked the President, and they were even able to get a picture of the attack.
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All the Rage

WASHINGTON, DC: Driving around the DC Beltway these days has become increasingly dangerous according to most reports. Road rage is on the increase and cats are becoming frustrated with increased traffic, high fuel prices and never ending road construction projects.

“Cats simply aren’t paying attention when the drive” claims Felix the Cat of Bethesda, Maryland. He went on to say that “I saw one cat licking himself while driving (LWD) and another cat that was driving was curled up sleeping on the dashboard!”

Maryland and Virginia police have implemented the Cool Cat Driver program to help profile aggressive driving by cats. If anyone sees cats driving erratically they should report it immediately to the authorities.

Catnip Drug Ring Uncovered

The catnip kingpin known on the street as “Dr. Feelgood” was taken down in a Montgomery County police sting operation that broke up the kitty-nip den he was supplying. He was reported to have gone through over 2 ounces of catnip by the time the police arrived.

He was reportedly prancing around the apartment naked, except for his “Cat in the Hat” hat he was wearing while reciting psychedelic renditions of Dr. Seuss tales. The police were also responding to neighbors’ complaints about the cats playing Grateful Dead and Phish CDs at a loud volume.

Some of the cats found at the kitty-nip den were reportedly experiencing “wild psychedelic trips”, while others seem not to have been affected by the catnip. One cat found face down in a pint of Ben & Jerry’s “Cherry Garcia” ice cream reported seeing Jerry Garcia with guitar wings on the rooftop.

These kitty-nip dens are common areas where catnip users congregate to abuse their drug of choice –catnip, or as it is known on the street – kitty crack.

Open air catnip drug markets in the suburban DC area have become commonplace claims one local resident who wished not to be identified. “You can buy the stuff everywhere. I even saw dealers hanging out at Pet Smart and the local pet supply store” she added.

Montgomery County Police Chief J. Thomas Manger stated that “This catnip problem is quickly getting out of control. We have made 5 busts this week alone. We are also seeing an alarming increase in the amount of people growing their own catnip.”

David Morris (a.k.a. Dr. Feelgood) was freed on a bond from the state. A court hearing date has been set for next week.

David Morris refused to comment on the situation but his attorney stated that “David Morris is a decent, hardworking cat with no ties to the catnip underworld. David Morris’ neighbors have been trying to get him to move out ever since he moved to the area. It’s clearly species motivated. We look forward to our day in court so we can dismiss these allegations and clear his name.”
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Cinco de Marley

The Mexican holiday--Cinco de Mayo was greeted by Marley in his usual manner by chugging two 6-packs of Coronas in 2 hours. Onlookers were amazed by his alcohol tolerance for being just a regular sized cat.

After the second hour of Marley’s celebratory chug fest, he started to feel “woozy.” He then proceeded to point out various people in the room to exclaim how much he loved them…or hated them.

The embarrassing scene was recanted by an onlooker who did not wish to be identified for fear of reprisals.

“I can’t believe he said he hated me. I thought we had a good relationship, but now he has become abusive between his drinking and catnip addiction and I am moving out of his house tonight.” the anonymous onlooker said.

Marley could not be reached for comment the following day, but his publicist stated that he was “sleeping it off” and looked forward to rebuffing these baseless allegations.
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Toxic Waste Being Buried Late at Night

Our undercover reporter reported seeing late night dumping of bio-toxic waste in the suburban DC area.

Montgomery County Police Chief J. Thomas Manger stated that “Late night bio-toxic dumping is serious crime and any convicted perpetrators face stiff fines and potential jail time.” Manger added “We have patrol cars on the lookout for any nefarious dumping activity and we will act aggressively on it.”

Acting on an anonymous tip, our undercover reporter spotted someone surreptitiously dumping something at night that “smelled real bad.” They seemed to be preoccupied about covering up their evidence once they dumped it.

The reporter was able to click a quick picture of the alleged perpetrator using a special night vision camera. Unfortunately, the suspect could not be identified from the picture.

Anyone with information about the “Midnight Dumper” should contact the Montgomery County Police Department at (301) 555-3476.
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Screen Test Met With Controversey

With Marley’s career on the upswing, he recently performed a screen test to become the new MGM Lion in future movie opening credits.

As of the date this article was published, Marley’s agent still has not heard back if he got the part. Marley’s agent noted “I’m disappointed we still have not heard back from MGM by now. I bet if he was a fluffy white cat we would have already heard that he got the part. I’m afraid this is yet another blatant case of discrimination against black cats.”

Marley’s agent went on to say that “We’ve already contacted the reverends Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton concerning this, and they have promised their support. The Black Panthers have been with us from the start on this issue and are organizing a boycott of MGM as we speak.”

MGM spokesman Ben Weinstein issued a general statement regarding Marley’s screen test saying that “All screen tests are evaluated based on merit and not on fur color.” He could not be reached for further comment.
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America’s Next Top Marley

Marley awoke at daybreak. He was newly invigorated and inspired with the thought that he is destined to become America’s Next Top Model (ANTM). Without a thought in his head that cats (and male cats at that) are not presently accepted in the ANTM contest, he quickly posed for some impromptu shots as he lay strewn across an oriental rug. He then barked orders to the photog to turn on the wind effects, play his mood music and to get his mineral water before he strikes his personal assistant. It was then that the photog knew that Marley’s addiction to catnip had spiraled out of control.

The photog knew he had to take action and to help get Marley into a substance abuse program. Marley, not having hit his rock bottom yet, was still in denial and expressed his anger by defecating on the set.

The photog immediately shut down the set and called Marley’s agent to inform him of his acting out and urged him to get Marley the help he needed. Marley’s agent was contacted several times, but refused to comment on the evolving situation.

An unnamed source close to Marley noted that she has known about Marley’s problems for some time, but thought he was keeping it under control. She now just hopes that this one action won’t taint the good image of aspiring cat models.
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Single, Black, And Lookin' Fo Love

I'm a single, professional, black, male, short hair. People say that my hazel eyes are piercing. I like chasing cell phone charger cords to stay in shape and lounging by the window to relax after a hard day.

My front paws have been de-clawed so you won't feel any scratches when we cuddle in a basket of freshly laundered clothes. I like to get frisky late at night and I sometimes dabble recreationally in catnip. It's not a habit, but I do like to party ladies.

Oh, and I have been neutered so we can play all night and never have to worry about those unexpected litters. Some of my human peeves are getting sprayed with water and vacuums. Why the hell do those things make so much noise anyway? It freaks me out.

I like to take long and frequent naps throughout the day to keep stress low. I'm open to dating all breeds and hair length, but no fat cats please. You must like Animal Planet TV, window ledges and finding new places to lounge and just chill.

So, if you think you are up for sniffing posteriors, shoot me a cat mail so we can meet up for a cup of milk.

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